


on killing elias (and follow-up ideas)

by LucianQTaliesin



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Autistic Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Everyone is Queer, F/F, F/M, Group chat, I'm not projecting onto Jon!, M/M, Multi, Non-Binary Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Season 1 Archives Squad, The Mechanisms Were The Archivist's College Band, They/Them Pronouns for Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Trans Martin Blackwood, What are you talking about!, groupchat fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:49:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25267144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucianQTaliesin/pseuds/LucianQTaliesin
Summary: stoked added Jon SimsJon Sims: I KNEW it was you in my office Timstoked: i have no idea what ur talking about bossstoked: this chat is purely motivated by workstoked: im offendedSash: yeah jon don’t accuse him like thatMartea: This is just a normal group chat, no reason to think otherwise-----------In other words - how the Archives gang having a group chat to hate on Douchard would have solved (almost) every problem in the podcast.
Relationships: Georgie Barker/Melanie King, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist (implied)
Comments: 194
Kudos: 717





	1. murder, i guess

**Author's Note:**

> So I started TMA 3 weeks ago and just started season 5, and since I got soft over the tapes I'm writing this. Wrote this completely on a whim, so I don't know when I'll update, but I'd like to get another chapter out soon. 
> 
> Anyway. Fuck Elias Bouchard, and Jurgen Leitner, that goddamn fool book collecting dust eating rat. They make me angy. And so here's a totally predictable warning for language.
> 
> Enjoy!

**_stoked created the group 'Darkives (Please give us decent lighting)'_ **

**_stoked added Sash_ **

**_stoked added Martea_ **

**Sash** : tim. why.

**stoked** : okay. admittedly i could have told you this irl. but ur too far away and i dont want him to hear me.

**Martea** : ????

**Sash:** i’m in the same room as you?

**Stoked** : exactly. too far. anyway i was in bossmans office dont ask why

**Sash** : purely cause you said not to - why?

**stoked** : NOT the point of this let me continue

**Martea** : No I'm with Sasha on this. Why were you in Jon's office?

**stoked** : im trying to recount a beautiful event here

**Sash** : why were u there tim?

**Martea** : Why??

**Sash** : tell him you won't give him tea martin

**stoked** : you wouldnt

**stoked** : you can have. 1sec

**stoked** : you can have the 4.81 i have left in my wallet marto pls

**Martea** : Sasha scares me more than you. £4.81 is not enough to bribe me to your side. Why were you there?

**stoked** : marto!!! betrayal of the highest order!

**stoked** : fine. 

**stoked** : i was trying to listen in on his meeting in elias office cuz elias was doin that really smug smile and i was suspcius

**stoked** : suspicious. w/e language is fake

**stoked** : had to run for my life before they saw me when it finished

**stoked** : heard the bastard tell jon to 'keep your assistants in line' so he may have known idk

**stoked** : but anyway bossman looked pissed and i was curious

**Martea** : Are you going to get to the point anytime soon?

**Sash** : ^^^

**stoked** : ur the ones who wanted my reason fu

**stoked** : anyway. so i followed him to his office to see if i could get an idea what was goin on cuz i mean PISSED

**stoked** : and he was writing in a notebook really angrily? anyway after a while he left for a file and i snuck in to have a look at what it said

**Martea** : TIM

**Sash** : and what did it say????

**stoked** : istg this is 100% tru. "On Killing Elias Bitchard (+escape plans)”

**Sash** : holy shit

**Martea** : You can't just not give us details oh my god

**stoked** : its the most beautiful thing ive seen in my entire life. v detailed plans and weirdly good diagrams?? apparently the boss can draw?

**Sash** : _Bitchard_

**stoked** : with a bulletpoint list on reasons to kill him. didn't see much before i heard him come back but the first one was "dresses not-straight but is probably homophobic." and the second was "unironically has themed handkerchiefs in his pocket"

**stoked** : first murder plan was to - and I quote - 'forcefully rearrange his skeleton' with the included follow up of pulling his spine out thru his throat 

**stoked** : anyway. thoughts?

**Sash** : ok of all the archives I did not expect jon to be the feral one

**stoked** : ikr i wasn't prepared for this. how can he hate douchard more than ME

**Sash** : thought it'd be martin getting tired of being nice but _jon._

**Martea** : I KNEW Elias was homophobic thanks for the validation. And I'd be up for murder but first:

**Martea** **_changed their name to_ ** **#1 Jon Stan**

**Sash** : martin ily and i agree but also. we been knew

**Sash** : tim! look! martin agreed to murder!

**stoked** : its a day of surprises 

**stoked** : do u think if we add jon to the chat hed give us more elias hate? 

**Sash** : omg please

**#1 Jon Stan** : WAIT let me change my username back 

**#1 Jon Stan** **_changed their name to_ ** **Martea**

**Martea** : Ok now you can.

**Sash** : it's cute you think you're subtle

**stoked** **_changed the group name to_ ** **Elias Hate Group.**

 **stoked** **_added_ ** **Jon Sims**

**Jon Sims:** I _knew_ it was you in my office Tim

**stoked:** i have no idea what ur talking about boss

**stoked:** this chat is purely motivated by work

**stoked:** im offended 

**Sash:** yeah jon don’t accuse him like that

**Martea:** This is just a normal group chat, no reason to think otherwise

**Jon Sims:** Well then.

**Jon Sims:** For appearances sake I should say you shouldn’t be on here during work hours

**Martea:** But…?

**stoked:** yeah but u know better than that

**Sash:** i mean. technically you wrote that in work hours

**Jon Sims:** But quite frankly I need inspiration for another sketch so Elias can go fuck himself

**stoked:** omg sasha he said the fuck word

**Martea:** Officially the best day of my life, thank you Jon

**Sash** **_changed_ ** **Jon Sims _'_** ** _s name to_ ** **Anti-Elias King**

**Anti-Elias King:** Are you really going to make me read his name every time I send a message?

**Sash:** o fair point

**Sash** **_changed_ ** **Anti-Elias King** ** _’s name to_ ** **Archives King**

**Sash:** better?

**Archives King:** It’ll do.

  
  



	2. for the record, jon's middle names are NOT reginald arthur

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Martea: I’m not that bad am i?
> 
> stoked: yes
> 
> Sash: you’ve never had to experience drunk you
> 
> Martea: I.
> 
> Martea: I dedicate my entire life to our lord and saviour jesus christ and this is the thanks i get?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just got up to date with ep176, already hyped for september
> 
> anyway. i'm posting this approximately two minutes after i finished writing so please let me know if there are any glaring errors :]
> 
> enjoy :]

**stonked** **_created the group_ ** **Drinking Inspired by Collective Knowledge**

 **stonked** **_added_ ** **Sash** **_and_ ** **Martea**

**stoked:** k i know we have a gc already but jon is not to be invited here

**stoked:** still up for drinks friday?

**Sash:** i can’t believe you created a group just to spell out dick

**Martea:** Can’t you though?

**Sash:** you right ofc he did

**Martea:** But yeah I’m up

**Sash:** i’d like to propose we ban martin from ANY pining while drunk

**stoked:** motion passed

**Martea:** What just happened?

**stoked:** sorry martarino majorty rules

**Martea:** There are TWO of you

**stoked:** and? majority?

**Sash:** jon might be cooler now but if i have to hear you talk about his eyes one more time

**stoked:** or his hair

**Sash:** i WILL ban you from drinks nights

**Martea:** I’m not that bad am i?

**stoked:** yes

**Sash:** you’ve never had to experience drunk you

**Martea:** I.

**Martea:** I dedicate my entire life to our lord and saviour jesus christ and this is the thanks i get?

**stoked:** since when u christian??

**Sash:** no one in this chat is christian don’t even try and quote that at us

**Martea:** MY POINT STILL STANDS

**Sash:** so does ours. no pining for you

**Martea:** This is homophobic

**stonked:** *jonphobic

**Sash:** so is making me listen to it and i refuse to be the one suffering

* * *

  
  
  


**Admiral’s Legion**

**Jon Sims:** Georgie, please tell me you’re home right now.

**Subscribe, Jon:** why??

**Subscribe, Jon:** and i’m w mel

**Jon Sims:** I need time with the Admiral otherwise I may actually break something.

**Subscribe, Jon:** you ok?

**meladramatic:** what did u do, jon???

**Jon Sims:** Meeting with Bitchard during an overload

**Subscribe, Jon:** ew disgusting. want me to kill him for you?

**Jon Sims:** Would be nice but no

**Jon Sims:** I’ll be there in two minutes

**meladramatic:** noah fence jon but that’s not how visits are supposed to work

**Subscribe, Jon:** doors unlocked you can let yourself in

**Jon Sims:** Love of my life, thank you

**meladramatic:** oi that’s MY girlfriend

**Jon Sims:** We all know my true love is the admiral, she’s safe

**Subscribe, Jon:** that’s so rude

**Jon Sims:** But can you hostly disagree?

**Subscribe, Jon:** ……...no

**Subscribe, Jon:** wait was that a spelling mistake

**meladramatic:** i revoke everything bad ive ever said to u walk here faster you must be feeling awful

  
  


* * *

**Elias Hate Group**

**Archives King:** Can I add some other people to the chat? They asked on account of them hating El**s too.

**stoked:** lmaooooo

**stoked:** sure i want to see who ur friends are

**stoked:** admin rites are urs

**Archives King** **_added_ ** **Subscribe, Jon** **_and_ ** **meladramatic**

**Archives King:** I’ve added you now give him back

**Subscribe, Jon:** thanks ;)))

**Subscribe, Jon:** hi guys! heard you hate jons boss as much as I do

**Sash:** you heard correct. hey i’m sasha

**Martea:** I’m Martin, hi!

**stoked:** jon u gonna introduce us ;)

**Archives King:** You’re perfectly capable of introducing yourself

**Archives King:** But fine

**Archives King:** @ **Subscribe, Jon** is Georgie, @ **meladramatic** is Melanie

**Archives King:** @ **stoked** is the bane of my existence, Tim. Don’t listen to anything he says.

**stoked:** :( my heart 

**Archives King:** Do I look like I care?

**meladramatic:** i thought u were kidding abt the gc

**meladramatic:** but hey 

**Sash:** wait wait wait

**Sash:** hold up one moment

**Sash:** @ **Subscribe, Jon** your name implies you’re a creator

**Sash:** your last name wouldn’t happen to be barker

**Subscribe, Jon:** yes, yes it would

**Sash:** JONATHAN REGINALD ARTHUR SIMS

**stoked:** mmmmm you in trouble

**Archives King:** That… isn’t my name.

**Sash:** how DARE YOU NOT TELL ME YOU KNOW GEORGIE BARKER

**Archives King:** Should I have?

**Martea:** F

**meladramatic:** f

**stoked:** f

**Sash:** I HAVE BEEN SUBSCRIBED TO WHAT THE GHOST FROM EPISODE ONE

**Subscribe, Jon:** omg have you really? thanks ;)

**Subscribe, Jon:** jonnnn you never told me you worked with a fan of mine

**Archives King:** I didn’t know!

**stoked:** does that mean melanie is melanie king of ghuk or am i gonna be disappointed

**meladramatic:** yep

**stoked:** and i thought jonny boy couldn’t betray me any more

**meladramatic:** he failed us

**Archives King:** I DIDN’T KNOW

**Martea:** You’ve literally walked in on him watching it full volume??

**Subscribe, Jon:** do you honestly expect jon to pay attention to his surroundings

**meladramatic:** no

**Martea:** No

**Sash:** course not

**stoked:** hahahahahahhhhaa

**Archives King:** I came out here to have a good time and I’m honestly feeling so attacked right now

**stoked:** did

**stoked:** did jon-works three hours past hometime-sims just quote a meme


	3. what happens in oxford

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've spent the last few days trying to convince all my friends to listen to tma so i have someone to rant about it to, but no luck so far :( this is pretty much my main outlet for my tma feelings.
> 
> slightly longer chapter than the last two, mostly because remote lessons have finished so i'm (slightly) less stressed about a levels. i should probs catch up on the work i ignored but. i don't want to. ha. benefits y'all anyway!

**Elias Hate Group**

**Archives King:** I will give my last two twenties to whoever pulls the fire alarm NOW and gets me out of this meeting.

**Archives King:** Or does anything to get me out of here, E***s hasn’t stopped talking for a solid half hour.

**Archives King:** This is the seventh time he’s said ‘prestigious institute’.

**stoked:** im late in, else i would def help sorry

**Sash:** same here, underground was delayed

**Sash:** wait @ **stoked,** i think you’re in my carriage turn around

**stoked:** oh hi

**stoked:** @ **Martea** jons relying on u 2day, were gonna be another ten min

**Sash:** @ **Martea** @ **Martea** @ **Martea** @ **Martea** where are youuu help the poor man

**stoked:** @ **Martea** @ **Martea** @ **Martea** @ **Martea** @ **Martea** @ **Martea**

**Archives King:** Martin please. I’ll do anything

**Subscribe, Jon:** why is bitchard meeting with you this early????

**Archives King:** He wants me to start recording statements from the archives

**Archives King:** Despite the fact they’re not even remotely organised yet

**Archives King:** I know I’m not technically qualified to say so, but maybe getting things in order is actually a priority?

**Sash:** you’d think. and sorry i can’t help :( @ **Martea** get online and help him

**Archives King:** I said this in the first two minutes but he was very insistent.

**Archives King:** The last half hour has been him detailing the importance of this to the MI.

**Subscribe, Jon:** kinda dodge but we already knew your boss was shite

**Archives King:** ‘Prestigious institute’ #8 @ **Martea** help

**Martea:** Sorry, sorry, I’ve only just got in. Want me to collapse a shelf or something??

**Archives King:** Oh thank god.

**Archives King:** They’d probably end up more organised if you did, I suppose

**Archives King:** Fuck it, I’m desperate. Go ahead.

**Martea:** Just a sec :)

**Subscribe, Jon:** are you… encouraging chaos?? where’s this attitude at every other moment in your life?

**Sash:** go martin! 

**meladramatic:** respect

**stoked:** @ **Martea** i could hear that from reception omg well done

**Archives King:** THANK YOU MARTIN 

**Archives King:** The money’s on your desk, I’ll help you clean up in a few minutes.

**Martea:** Thanks!

* * *

**Drinking Inspired by Collective Knowledge**

**stoked:** martin ur paying tonight

**Martea:** I don’t think so, it’s not my fault you’re late

**Martea:** This money was earned

**Sash:** please?? 

**Martea:** No!

**Sash:** i’ll lift the pining ban for a few minutes??

**stoked:** sashaaaaa friday nite drinks are sacred

**Martea:** First two rounds. 

**Sash:** deal

**stoked:** i cant believe you done this

**Sash:** i could get you to pay if you’d like? :)

**stoked:** oh god no ill shut up now  
  


* * *

**Elias Hate Group**

**Sash:** just a warning @ **Archives King,** just saw el**s heading to your office

**Martea:** Yep, was just about to tell you.

**Archives King:** I’m not in. Nope. 

**Archives King:** Was this morning not enough?

**Subscribe, Jon:** i’m just saying, jon. i’m still up to kill him with you if you’ll come on wtg

**Sash:** you have an invitation to wtg and you haven’t taken it?? 

**Archives King:** Do you think I’d survive in prison?

**Archives King:** And do you honestly think that’s a good idea, Georgie?

**stoked:** that’s true, he’s too smol to take prison life

**Archives King:** I can’t deal with my name leaving e***s mouth. He spoke for less than twenty seconds and I want to throw up

**Archives King:** I AM NOT SMALL

**stoked:** touched a nerve, did i?

**Subscribe, Jon:** you are, tho

**Archives King:** STOP IT

**meladramatic:** who are you trying to convince

**Sash:** jon you’re TINY shut up

**Archives King:** Martin? Don’t say you’re going to betray me too.

**Martea:** Well

**Archives King:** Well, what?

**Martea:** You are definitely below average height

**stoked:** haHAAAA 

**stoked** **_has changed_ ** **Archive King’s** **_name to_ ** **smol**

**smol:** Tim give me back admin rights I swear to god

**Subscribe, Jon:** tim don’t 

**stoked:** so you can change ur name back to Jon Sims? boring. Nope

**Subscribe, Jon:** now that that’s done. jon wtf you being on WTG is a great idea

**Subscribe, Jon:** you have the perfect voice

**meladramatic:** imma regret ever giving you a compliment istg

**meladramatic:** but your voice WAS literally made for narrating

**Martea:** I can see it

**smol:** It’s really not a good idea

**Subscribe, Jon:** do i honestly have to bring up the uni thing to your work friends?

**stoked:** YES PLEASE 

**Martea:** you were at uni together?

**Sash:** what happened at uni???? 

**smol:** You know what? Joining for an episode is an absolutely perfect idea. Fabulous. I’m really looking forward to it. I don’t know what I was saying.

**Martea:** That isn’t suspicious at all

**Subscribe, Jon:** glad you’ve changed your mind ;)

**Sash:** boooooooo georgie you can’t just do that and then not tell us

**stoked:** georgie we need to meet up for the sole purpose of embarrassing the boss

**Subscribe, Jon:** i’m down

**smol:** Georgie. Check your messages.

**meladramatic:** oh?

**Martea:** VERY suspicious i want in

**stoked:** what is this drama we’re missing out on?

* * *

**Private Message**

**smol:** Please remember every picture I have from our first year of uni.

**Subscribe, Jon:** you think i’m scared of you? i am NOT A COWARD 

****smol:**** And the ones you showed me from sixth form that I still have copies of.

**smol:** Also remember that I have your girlfriend’s number, and that she’s on the group chat too

**Subscribe, Jon:** oh fuck

**Subscribe, Jon:** fine

**Subscribe, Jon:** can’t believe you’d betray me like that :(

**smol:** You agreed to mutual blackmail material after graduation just in case of something like this. 

**Subscribe, Jon:** i mean. you’re not _wrong._ but i still feel betrayed

**smol:** Glad we’re in agreement!

* * *

  
  


**Elias Hate Group**

**meladramatic:** georgie why are you hiding your phone

**stoked:** i was really looking forward to hearing about extra smol jon as well :(

**Sash:** i was so ready

**Subscribe, Jon:** alright we’re back

**Subscribe, Jon:** everything is fine, but sorry tim, we’ll have to cancel that meetup

**stoked:** hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm 

**smol:** Thank you.

**Sash:** we WILL find out eventually

**smol:** over my dead body


	4. sasha has the 👀 favourited (understandably)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: "Oh no! I'm going to get writers block on this fic and be stuck like i am on all the other fics!"  
> also me: writes a whole new chapter one day after i've published the last one
> 
> honestly love these characters so much. we're almost starting to get into the very beginning of tma now (shock! horror!), but tbh only the more significant episodes will be mentioned in more than passing. 
> 
> Anyway. I hope you enjoy this chapter, and remember: The Magnus Archives is a podcast distributed by Rusty Quill, and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial Sharealike 4.0 International Licence.

**Elias Hate Group**

**Sash** **_changed the group name to_ ** **E***s Therapy Group**

**Sash:** Jon made a very good point about being forced to read his name when we first made this chat

**Subscribe, Jon:** still kinda feel like i need to meet the guy just to understand jon’s rage at him

**smol:** I’d love to see it. But I doubt either of you would leave unscathed.

**meladramatic:** one of you wouldn’t leave at all

**meladramatic:** and i’m rooting for georgie

**Subscribe, Jon:** thanks babe :)

**smol:** You’d be a fool not to

**stoked:** jonnnnnnnmmmnnnmnnnnnnnbbnnn

**stoked:** i got a qurstuon

**smol:** Are you okay?

**stoked:** im fanukous

**smol:** That isn’t reassuring

**Sash:** He’s drunk, don’t worry he’ll be fine

**stoked:** yyea finl

**stoked:** anywsy why arr u even otr bosss?

**stoked:** like y said u wernt wualfid

**stoked:** qalfed fucl

**Sash:** Qualified

**stoked:** thankkkss sash lve uuu

**smol:** Please take him home, Sasha

**Sash:** Working on it, just dropping off martin

**Sash:** Apparently i’m the only person from us 3 who can hold their alcohol 

**smol:** Is he okay??

**Sash:** He’s pretty much asleep tbh

**stoked:** ahy are u avoidunf the qurstiom

**smol:** Because I’m not discussing this while you’re drunk

**Subscribe, Jon:** you were when we talked about it

**Sash: 👀👀👀** ‘It’? What are you guys on about?

**smol:** You haven’t met Tim when he’s drunk

**smol:** It’s probably better to talk about it in person. So it’ll have to be monday

**stoked:** do u evn know hoq not to b susicus

**stoked:** SUPICOUA

**Subscribe, Jon:** suspicious

**stoked:** languge us FAKE sohffahsdffff

**Sash:** I’ve taken his phone off of him.

**meladramatic:** is it just me or is sasha’s typing more grammar correct when she’s been drinking

**Sash:** It’s a curse

**Sash:** Jon are you proud? I’m talking like you now.

**smol:** ‘A curse’? I actually feel kind of insulted

**Sash:** I don’t care :) 

**Martea:** thx for helping me home sash ❤️❤️

**Sash:** No problem!

**Sash** **_has changed_ ** **Martea’s** **_name to_ ** **Marteani**

**Sash:** Ha

**Marteani:** fair

**smol:** Martin are you okay?

**Marteani:** ill be dead tomorrow but yea

**smol:** Then please go to sleep it’s late

**Marteani:** yeah

**Marteani:** k night

**meladramatic:** im sry, you arent allowed to talk about it being late

**smol:** I’m allowed to be a little concerned 

**Subscribe, Jon:** not to brush over that you’re SHOWING EMOTIONS WOW, mel’s right, where are you rn?

**smol:** That's not the point

**Subscribe, Jon:** you’re still at the institute aren’t you

**Subscribe, Jon:** jon?

**Subscribe, Jon:** you are, aren’t you?

**meladramatic:** answer her question coward

**Sash:** Jon I thought you were going home after the last statement

**smol:** I mean technically I haven’t finished recording it yet

**Subscribe, Jon:** jesus christ 

**Sash:** It doesn’t take that long

**smol:** The statement won’t record

**Sash:** What does that even mean?

**smol:** I tried recording it on the recorder from your drawer and my phone and on my laptop and this keeps happening:

**smol** **_has attached an audio message_ **

**Subscribe, Jon:** i’m gonna say it

**smol:** DON’T YOU DARE

**Subscribe, Jon:** spooky

**meladramatic:** spoopy

**Sash:** That’s… kinda weird

**smol:** Georgie why would you corrupt Melanie like that?

**Subscribe, Jon:** that one was the internet not me

**smol:** Fine.

**smol:** The other statements were fine, it’s just this one.

**Sash:** Okay, I’m very interested but can we please talk about this tomorrow?

**Sash:** Martin and Tim will probs want to hear this and they are definitely not waking up yet

**Subscribe, Jon:** and you need to sleep

**Subscribe, Jon:** my place is closer. you have twenty minutes

**smol:** YOU SAID IT WAS SPOOKY TOO

**Subscribe, Jon:** i don’t care

**Subscribe, Jon:** nineteen get yo ass here

**meladramatic:** dont make her angry i want to go to bed

**smol:** i hate you

**meladramatic:** yea but if u make my gf upset i will kill you

**smol:** FINE

**smol:** I’m leaving

**Subscribe, Jon:** ty i’ll see you in 18 minutes ;)))

* * *

  
  


**stoked** **_has changed their name to_ ** **dead**

**Sash:** i would sympathise but you made me pay for the last round

**dead:** i swear evrytime i’m online i’m atttacked

**Sash:** yes its very entertaining

**dead:** :’(

**dead:** can you bring some painkillers round please?

**Sash:** no 

**dead:** pleeeeeeeeaaaaassssseeee

**Sash:** no

**Marteani:** It’s not even 7 go back to bed

**dead:** your awake too

**Marteani:** Didn’t mute my phone fuck off

**Sash:** someone’s angy

**meladramatic:** GO MAKE YOUR OWN CHAT LET ME SLEEP

**Sash:** sorry :)

* * *

  
  


**Drinking Inspired by Collective Knowledge**

**dead:** were never doing this again

**Marteani:** Seconded

**Sash:** no no no hold up

**Sash:** i’ve just had an absolutely brilliant idea

**Marteani:** What

**stoked:** u gonna tell us??

**Marteani:** Sasha?

**stoked:** ive got a bad feeling

* * *

  
  


**Private Message**

**Sash:** hey you got a sec?

**Subscribe, Jon:** one sec let me grab my coffee

**Subscribe, Jon:** okay go

**Sash:** i have a very important question that i believe only you can answer

**Subscribe, Jon:** o….kay?

**Sash:** so you’ve known jon since uni right

**Subscribe, Jon:** yeah

**Sash:** have we got any chance of getting him drunk w us

**Subscribe, Jon:** this kinda feels like you’re planning something

**Sash:** no why would you think that

**Subscribe, Jon:** do you have a gc for that as well 

**Sash:** wait really

**Subscribe, Jon:** i have a LOT of drunk jon tales to tell

**Sash: 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀**

**Sash:** i knew you were my favourite :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huh. The eyes emoji looks dodgy on desktop.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed this, and if you'd like to see anything specific in future chapters, please let me know in the comments, or drop me a message at my tumblr @onnadhiel
> 
> (Extra note: I solemnly swear that I will NOT (n-o-t not) be including a Hello Jon anywhere in this fic. The chapter note at the start is the closest I'll ever get. I got an update for one of my favourite fics the other day and it was just a HJ, AFTD etc and I almost cried (see? Promised I wouldn't do it). So consider this fic safe).


	5. gender is a social construct

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know not everyone reads this but... do any of y'all play D&D? Me and my friends/family wanted to start, but quite frankly none of us have played and the most I know is from listening to RQG, and starting to watch Critical Role/Chain of Acheron. I've got no idea where to start, and both my friends and family have asked me to DM for at least our first game since they know less than I do. If you could let me know in the comments or pm me on tumblr @onnadhiel, I'd really appreciate it, thanks!
> 
> Anyway... Hope you enjoy the chapter

**Drinking Inspired by Collective Knowledge**

**Sash:** so my idea was indeed brilliant

**dead:** @ **Marteani** look who decided to show her face!

**Marteani:** Wow

**Marteani:** So are you gonna tell us…?

**Sash:** yeah ofc

**Sash** **_added_ ** **Subscribe, Jon** **_to the chat_ **

**Subscribe, jon** **_changed their name to_ ** **Commodore**

**Sash:** georgie here is apparently one of only two people two have seen jon drunk in the last… how long?

**Commodore:** six years

**Commodore:** ish

**dead:** what a sad sad life

**Commodore:** jon only gets drunk around me and mel in case he accidentally spills about uni life and ruins his ‘image’

**Marteani:** Jon does realise he threatens our boss with murder on an almost daily basis

**Commodore:** and god forbid jon sHoWS eMOtiOn

**Commodore:** yeah ik you don’t need to tell me

**Marteani:** Can I ask abt your username?

**Commodore:** yeah one sec

**Commodore** **_has attached an image_ **

**Commodore:** so here is my child and loml, the Admiral, who rules my life and my heart and def outranks me

**Commodore:** jon ain’t here so my old username doesn’t really work

**Sash:** KITTTTTTTTTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

**Marteani:** 10/10 would die for

**Commodore:** i got custody of him after jon and i broke up

**dead:** YOU GUYS DATED WHAT

**Commodore:** is this… new information?

**dead:** YES 

**Commodore:** welp

**Commodore:** this  _ technically _ wasn’t covered under the 2009 mutual blackmail agreement so i can’t be held responsible for anything you do w the following information

**Sash: 👀👀👀👀👀👀**

**Marteani:** What kind of secrets need a blackmail  _ agreement??????? _

**dead:** georgie i would do anything for any of the blackmailable info

**dead:** and i literally mean anything

**Commodore:** i did mention mutual blackmail, right?

**Commodore:** my own reputation is on the line here

**dead:** please???

**Commodore:** i can and will only offer that which jon forgot to cover because he was drunk

**Commodore:** an unordered list of events i can expand on without pain of death: 

**dead:** :( ty anyway ig

**Marteani:** Consider me intrigued

**Sash:** i’m honestly so looking forward to this

**Commodore:** 1\. Bad dye job of 2006. 2. Arrests one and three. 3. hour long lament for the admiral. 4. Smol vs Tol fight. 5. Spiders. 

**Commodore:** there’s more that I can’t think of but i need a lot more coffee and to check the agreement to see what i can mention

**Marteani:** I just want to know why spiders is there w no context

**dead:** how many times was jon arrested if theres some u wont talk abt

**Sash:** is 4 not just jon vs anyone ever

**Commodore:** maybe so

**Commodore:** @Marteani i don’t understand jons hatred for spiders but it created a LOT of problems 

**Commodore:** he may or may not have tried to set a large one on fire with a lighter and a can of febreeze

**Commodore:** i cannot BELIEVE my phone says febreeze is spelt wrong

**Commodore:** anyway the spider lived and all we got out of it was a burnt curtain

**Sash:** why couldn’t we have this jon as our boss

**dead:** tbh e***s probably wouldnt have hired him if he was still like that

**Marteani:** I’m getting the feeling the spiders need protecting from Jon

**Commodore:** you aren’t wrong

**Marteani:** I’ve just looked it up and yes febreeze is supposed to be spelt as febreze

**Commodore:** that is WRONG

**Marteani:** From wikipedia: “The name "Febreze" comes from the words "fabric" and "breeze."”

**Sash:** if it comes from the word breeze why is it spelt breze

**dead:** shouldnt it be FABreze then?

**Marteani:** I know!

**Commodore:** everything about that name is NOT CORRECT

**dead:** not that i disagree w u but can we go back 2 how many times hes been arrested

**Commodore:** it was just the 3 arrests, but only because one of his friends went into police so he was more lowkey after that

**Sash:** ew acab

**Marteani:** acab

**Commodore:** i agree but also i love her sm

**dead:** how has he been arrested more times than me

**Sash:** you’ve been upstaged by pure chaotic energy

**Commodore:** tbh jon was drunk for all three

**dead:** mine were sober thus i win

**Sash:** ‘thus’ so pretentious

**Marteani:** Honestly. ‘Thus’. Just say ‘so’

**dead:** stop this

* * *

**E***s Therapy Group**

**Marteani:** So uh

**Marteani:** What was up with the tape from last night @Smol?

**Sash:** oh ya forgot about that

**Smol:** I’m still at Georgie’s so I haven’t looked at it again yet

**Commodore:** yeah we’ve got movie night so he’s not gonna be able to until tomorrow at the earliest

**Smol:** Do I get a choice?

**dead:** im gonna say no

**Commodore:** correct!

**Smol:** K

**Smol:** But @Marteani what I said earlier mostly covered it, weird tape won’t record anywhere without distorting everything

**Marteani:** Did you try typing it and then text-to-speech?

**Smol:** It crashed my laptop trying to do both

**dead:** SPOOKY

**Smol:** Stop

**Sash:** so… a statement that specifically curses digital devices?

**Smol:** I really want to say there’s an explanation but… that’s the closest I can think of

**Commodore:** there have to be some real statements between all the drug-inspired ones

**Smol:** I suppose

**Commodore:** don’t sound so disappointed

**Sash:** eh it’d be boring if they were all fake

**dead:** tbh ive been hoping smth like this would happen since i left research

**Marteani:** I mean… this is why most people joined the institute

**dead:** also the money

**Sash:** ALSO THE MONEY

* * *

  
  


**Private Message**

**Commodore:** so we gotta talk

**Smol:** I am literally in the next room

**Commodore:** yeah but mels asleep on me and i don’t wanna wake her

**Smol:** Okay

**Smol:** What’s up?

**Commodore:** so you know your coworkers

**Smol:** I hope so by this point

**Commodore:** yeah well 

**Commodore:** are you not out at work?

**Commodore:** ik you’ve been there a while but they still use he/him for you on the chat 

**Commodore:** like i didn’t want to say anything in case you weren’t and i implied anything you didn’t want by using they/them

**Smol:** I haven’t mentioned it to them

**Commodore:** oh?

**Commodore:** can i ask or

**Smol:** Yeah one sec

**Commodore:** i can wait dw

**Smol:** So I didn’t really mention it to you at the time cause most of it was when you were starting up WTG, but the first couple of jobs I had before and at the institute weren’t great

**Smol:** There were a few accepting people but most of them were very much There Are Only Two Genders and there were enough of them for me to leave my first two jobs pre-institute. It’s not as bad there now but when I first joined I didn’t want to come out (which was probably a good choice since most of them ended up being v homophobic) and I just… 

**Smol:** This team seems really nice but I didn’t want to risk it until I know them better

**Commodore:** well thats shit

**Commodore:** you know you coulda talked to me right?

**Smol:** I didn’t want to stress you out

**Commodore:** fuck that i’ve always got time

**Commodore:** honest opinion? i think these guys are pretty great

**Smol:** yeah?

**Commodore:** yep. and i am very rarely wrong

**Smol:** Debatable

**Commodore:** fine. i’m rarely wrong when it comes to people

**Smol:** Slightly more accurate

**Commodore:** and full seriousness?

**Commodore:** i sincerely doubt people w their humour are Straight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... that was a chapter. For anyone interested, I kinda picture Jon like in this (but currently with shorter hair):   
> https://cerulean-devil.tumblr.com/post/621019210297098240/some-different-looks-for-our-dear-archivist
> 
> I know I mentioned Jon being nb in the tags, but I kinda wanted to explain why, at least so far, everyone had been using he/him pronouns. Don't out people who don't want to be outed! I might go a bit more into Jon's gender identity in later chapters, maybe when he discusses it w the archives team, and it'll be partly based on my own experiences (since I recently realised I also identify as non-binary).
> 
> Thank you so much for your support so far!


	6. stop harassing jon with the word 'spooky'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marteani: So we still haven’t had any updates on the weird statement
> 
> meladramatic: maybe the sheer spookiness of it made it so he can’t message us anymore
> 
> Commodore: jonny boy what’s going on with it
> 
> dead: @Smol where u at 
> 
> Sash: oi @Smol have you got it to record yet?
> 
> Commodore: i’m shocked that mel saying spooky didn’t summon jon straight to the chat tbh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a Summer School (which, by the way, wasn't worth the time I put into it) last week and completely forgot to write, so thanks for your patience! 
> 
> Thanks for all the support last chapter, especially to MEOW_I_am_a_cat for the massive comments they gave! I've already said it but they honestly made my day <3<3<3
> 
> Anyway, enjoy the chapter!

**Drinking Inspired by Collective Knowledge**

**Sash:** So

**dead:** wasnt expecting that

**Commodore:** wasn’t expecting what?

**Marteani:** Jon was explaining why he got the head archivist position

**Commodore:** ah yes

**Commodore:** how’d it go?

**Sash:** not… great

**Marteani:** He seemed so awkward???

**Sash:** at least ik it wasn’t jons fault i didn’t get the job

**dead:** not surprised that elias is a sexist prick tho

**Marteani:** True

**Commodore:** apparently jon tried to up the pay for you guys after finding out elias wasn’t gonna give it to sasha but not sure how that argument went

**dead:** oh that was him??

**dead:** thought it was like. for trauma or smth

**Marteani:** The institute is traumatic enough by itself i doubt they care about our feelings

**Sash:** ^^^

**Commodore:** oof

**dead:** not wrong tho

**Sash:** uh hang on jon’s just sent me a message

**dead:** ominous

* * *

**Private Message**

**Smol:** Hi Sasha, do you have a minute?

**Sash:** yes? what’s up?

**Smol:** I know that you should have got the position, you were in the archives before I was and I’m sure Gertrude was planning for you to get it. I did try and tell Elias that I wasn’t qualified, if it means anything, and I’m sorry you ended up losing out

**Sash:** it’s not your fault e***s is a sexist arse

**Sash:** i’m glad you told us, tho. gives us more of a reason to hate him at least

**Smol:** If it’s not too much trouble, I’d really appreciate a hand getting the archives into order

**Smol:** You probably understand it a lot better than I do

**Sash:** gertrude did leave a mess didn’t she

**Smol:** Understatement of century

**Sash:** and ofc i’ll help

**Smol:** Thank you

**Sash:** BUT you gotta join us for drinks on friday night

**Smol:** What?

**Sash:** consider it an apology for being kinda a dick the first few weeks on the job? idk

**Smol:** That’s… fair. 

**Sash:** fab, i’ll let the others know you’ll be there :) no backing out now

**Smol:** Why do you always sound so ominous for the most mundane things?

**Sash:** i am a woman of many talents

**Smol:** You’re making that very clear

* * *

  
  


**Drinking Inspired by Collective Knowledge**

  
  


**Sash:** yours truly managed to get jon to join us for friday drinks

**dead:** HOW THE EVERLOVING FUCK

**Marteani:** WHAT THE HELL I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS

**Commodore:** keep me updateddddd

**Sash:** there may have been a little guilt tripping involved but we’ll ignore that because it WORKED

**dead:** i admire u

**Marteani:** @Commodore we’ll talk w you while we’re there :)

**Commodore:** nice, jon hasn’t been drunk in ages

**Commodore:** i’ll give you some GREAT things to talk about while you’re there

**Commodore:** i may not be able to disclose te stuff in the blackmail agreement but i can get  _ jon  _ to do it 

**Marteani:** Georgie I love you tysm

**dead:** your honestly making my year cant believe we didn’t meet sooner

**Sash:** aren’t you guys glad i added her to the chat

* * *

  
  


**E***s Therapy Group**

**Marteani:** So we still haven’t had any updates on the weird statement

**meladramatic:** maybe the sheer spookiness of it made it so he can’t message us anymore

**Commodore:** jonny boy what’s going on with it

**dead:** @Smol where u at 

**Sash:** oi @Smol have you got it to record yet?

**Commodore:** i’m shocked that mel saying spooky didn’t summon jon straight to the chat tbh

**dead:** so how long do we wait to see if the spooooooky statement killed jon

**Marteani:** Until I bring tea round, I guess? I haven’t seen him since this morning

**dead:** do me a cup?

**dead:** please?

**Marteani:** Sure. Sasha?

**Sash:** ya please, if you don’t mind

**Marteani:** Np

**Sash:** Thanks!

**Marteani:** @Smol if you’re alive, you want a cup?

**Marteani:** Don’t know whether I should be concerned or not

**Smol:** Sorry, just finished with the statement. I’d love one, Martin.

**Smol:** I have not been killed by a strange statement

**dead:** look who finally decided to show their face!

**Sash:** wait, did you get it to record?

**meladramatic:** it’s working then??

**Smol:** Finally, yes. 

**Smol:** Gertrude seemed to have a thing about using tape recorders, there were quite a few in storage. Since nothing else was working, I tried those and they seemed to work

**Commodore:** guys…

**Smol:** Oh no

**Smol:** What conspiracy do you have now?

**meladramatic:** yeah, what you thinking?

**Commodore:** so it’s not recording on anything you tried before

**Commodore:** but it’s recording on a tape

**Commodore:** and everything you tried before tape was digital

**Smol:** Don’t start on ghosts, we’re not being your next episode

**Commodore:** so maybe you just have 

**dead:** the spirit of a baby boomer haunts the statement

**Commodore:** a ghost that  _ really  _ hates new technology

**Commodore:** actually i like tims better

**Sash:** @Smol why not we should totally go on WTG

**Sash:** also - SPOOKY

**Smol:** DON’T YOU START I SWEAR

**Marteani:** What a spooky idea

**dead:** spooky boomer spirit

**meladramatic:** spooky spirits haunting statements

**Smol:** I hate all of you

**Commodore:** nah you don’t

**Smol:** It’s not even about a boomer, it’s a student at Edinburgh uni who was on his way home from the pub

**Smol:** He was DRUNK 

**Commodore:** yeah but being drunk doesn’t mean it didn’t happen

**Sash:** ^^^ yeppp

**Commodore:** The statement was about a guy asking him for a cigarette, the kid was just freaked out cause the stranger was a bit weird, and, again, he was drunk

**Marteani:** Not to say you’re completely wrong, but you gotta admit the follow up does back him up a bit

**dead:** do tell

**Sash:** yeah i was on this one, six people went missing from the same area around 2005-2010 ish, and there was a picture of a really weird thin hand from the last photo of one of the people who disappeared

**Commodore:** see? spooky ghost IS involved

**Smol:** Oh my god you’re relentless

**meladramatic:** mind sending me the details of where it happened? might be something to do an episode on at some point

**Commodore:** ooo good point, we could do a collab episode

**dead:** i would watch it

**Sash:** yeah of course gimme a few minutes

  
  
**Sash:** done! lmk when the eps out!


	7. betrayal :(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, i was using the laptop my sixth form gave me to write and post on ao3, and it's now implemented a website blocking... thing (i do Computer science I should know the work), which, yay, blocks AO3. Thanks for your patience while I've been sorting out my home computer!

**E***s Therapy Group**

**Sash:** hey jon guess who found another unrecordable statement

**dead:** sash?? u taking credit for my work??

**Sash:** i mean, i found the statement even if you did the followup

**dead:** you arent wrong but i feel i should get the credit since I DID THE WORK ON IT

**Smol:** Technically Sasha did  _ find  _ the statement

**dead:** jon :(

**Smol:** Tim?

**dead:** Statement of Timothy Stoker, regarding his boss’ blatant favouritism towards his coworker Sasha James. Statement recorded: Right Now This Second.

**Smol:** So you  _ are  _ capable of capital letters. I’m astounded

**dead:** you arent seeing them ever again

**dead:** im not pressing the shift key for every sentence what kind of person do u think i am

**Marteani:** Someone who needs a newer phone

**Smol:** Did you turn autocorrect off for the sole purpose of annoying me with your texts?

**dead:** no

**Sash:** wouldn’t be surprised

**Smol:** ANYWAY. Statement number?

**dead:** yeah one sec

**dead:** 9982211 

**Sash:** 9982211

**dead:** hahaaa beat u

**dead:** its about a guy who got a coffin for a year

**Smol:** Thanks Sasha. I’ll record it some point this week

**dead** **_changed their name to_ ** **betrayed**

**betrayed:** i will report you to hr istg

**Marteani:** Do we even have a proper hr

**Smol:** I

**Smol:** That’s a good point, do we?

**Sash:** i don’t remember seeing hr anywhere in the tour 

**Marteani:** I don’t think we do

**Sash:** huh

**meladramatic:** its so douchard cant get reported for anything

**Commodore:** they can’t let you get compensation for the trauma

**betrayed:** ugh how can i report jons obvious favouritism then

**Smol:** I imagine you’d have to

**Smol:** have to go to

**Smol:** I can’t even type it out 

**betrayed:** you might be a traitor but yea going to bitchard is to far even for me

**Marteani:** Sounds horrifying

**Smol:** I mean if you typed like a normal human I doubt you’d have this problem

**betrayed:** im sorry you want me to use grammar??? correct punctuation??? ew no

**Sash:** maybe if you actually did work like the rest of us are rn jon would appreciate u more

**betrayed:** jons been texting too it aint just me

**Smol:** When was the last time you  _ didn’t  _ try to leave work early?

**betrayed:** last friday?

**Sash:** that’s because you were waiting for me and martin to finish up that doesn’t count

**betrayed:** who tf knows then

**betrayed:** you both do it too, the archives have a v i b e

**Sash:** yeah but not every day

**Marteani:** They have many vibes and none of them are good

**Marteani:** @Smol how on earth do you manage to stay so late?

**Smol:** Apparently I’m immune to the vibes

**Sash:** can’t believe jon honest to god said the word vibe

**Sash:** well. typed. but still

**betrayed:** damn

**Smol:** Why wouldn’t I say vibe?

**Smol:** How old do you think I am???

**Smol:** Actually. No. Don’t answer that

**meladramatic:** no please do

**meladramatic:** i vote 47

**Sash:** oof did i hit a nerve

**Smol:** Does GHUK have a number I can call to report one of its members?

**meladramatic:** yes

**meladramatic:** its me. i’m the number. ‘Hello? I’d like to report Melanie King for bullying?’ No. I ANSWER THE PHONE. I HOLD ThE POWER HERe

**Smol:** I hate you

**meladramatic:** h8 u 2

**Marteani:** I get really concerned for you two sometimes

**Smol:** Probably for the best

* * *

**Drinks Inspired by Collective Knowledge**

**Commodore:** okay i’ve finished editing for the day so y’all better be online

**Marteani:** Yep

**Sash:** wassup

**betrayed:** yo

**Commodore:** so. drinks are tmrw so here are some things that you can talk about to find out the stuff about jon i’m not allowed to mention

**Commodore:** but he’ll never talk about this sober so don’t even mention it beforehand, else he’ll know it was me

**Marteani:** Sure no problem

**betrayed:** i may be betrayed but im not the betrayER

**Sash:** shoot

**Commodore:** arthurian legends. start w merlin the show if u need to. ik what you’re thinking but trust me on this. step 1- arthur gwen and lancelot. step 2. let jon talk?????? step 3: profit

**Marteani:** O

**Marteani:** kayyy

**Sash:** not what i was expecting you to start with

**Marteani:** I have questions but i guess they’ll be answered tomorrow

**Commodore:** you’ll understand. other things to note: there’s this one lecturer at oxford he REALLY hated (hates?) if you can get him started you’ll find out loads. heights!!! punk/rock/emo music!!! police!!! cats!!!!

**betrayed:** this all assumes he’s not gonna be responsible and sober

**Commodore:** i’ll encourage him to relax with y’all

**Marteani:** You should join us next time!!

**betrayed:** and bring melanie

**Sash:** i’m sure there’s no ulterior motive for that at  _ all _

**betrayed:** i mean melanie seems to have the same rivalry w jon as me

**betrayed:** might as well join forces

**Marteani:** Don’t let Melanie near him we’ll never hear the end of it

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this chapter :]

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Please leave kudos or a comment, they make my day! 💚
> 
> Also, if you have any ideas, quotes, or prompts for what you'd like to see in future chapters, I'm always up to hear them!


End file.
